Offering #18: Empathy

It’s hard to feel feelings.

Emotions take us on a ride that can be wonderful and unpleasant.

Some humans totally love a scary A.F. rollercoaster or skydiving experience.

Many other humans feel like living without their phone for a day is about as much anxiety and stressful fomo emotion as they can handle.

Every one of us has a threshold. A boundary, if you will, of what we can and cannot deal with emotionally.

I, for example, am emotionally intense by nature. Meaning, that Big emotions often don’t freak me out.

Not all the time.

There are days, truth be told, when if I even see a hint of a sad puppy situation, I will lose it!

Empathy is our basic human ability to perceive and feel what others feel and think.

Yeah, emotions!

But it comes in a few distinct flavors:

Cognitive Empathy

The experience of knowing how the other person feels and what they might be thinking.

Emotional/Affective Empathy

When you feel physically along with the other person,

as though their emotions were contagious.

Compassionate Empathy

The understanding of a persons' predicament and feel with them,

as well as be spontaneously moved to help if needed.

Motor Empathy

An automatic empathetic response in the form of unconsciously

mirroring the facial expressions of another, or copying

body language, speech, or yawn contagion.

A lot of times, it's a mixture of all four types of Empathy

Why should we care about developing Empathy?

1. Humans are an incredibly social species. The evolutionary selection and development of Empathy in humans led us down the pathway of cooperation. This is one reason why there are almost 8 billion of us. If the whole “Survival of the Fittest” misquote of Darwin was honestly like Fight Club or Mad Max, there wouldn’t be so many of us.

2. Empathy builds better relationships. Better relationships not only enhance our lives but extend our lives. We actually live longer and healthier lives when we are connected robustly to ourselves and others.

3. Empathy is tricky because it can also foster over-identification with our own tribe kind of thinking. BUT, and this is a big juicy butt, Empathy also has the ability through perspective-taking to help us move beyond differences to understand that we are one big messy human family!

How to be more Empathetic?

Dare you go down the path of cultivating Empathy more consciously?

YES! We need more Empathy, not less!

Increase Empathy by:

1. Slowing down - It’s hard to be Empathetic when we’re in a lightning-quick reactive mode. Or when talking none stop. Empathy has a lot to do with listening. That doesn’t mean to be silent, but it does point to being thoughtful and asking if our input is wanted.

2. If possible, take care of all the H.A.L.T. stuff. Hunger/Anger/Loneliness/Tired.

If we are experiencing any of these, our ability to feel and demonstrate Empathy will be negatively impacted. Does this mean we have to be in a perfect state? Hell, no! Just be aware of what’s going on.

1. Get Curious about what the other human is saying and experiencing.

2. Watch for non-verbal clues that might give a bunch of information. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice often convey something about what the other humans are experiencing.

3. Be willing to feel some discomfort. Empathy can be painful if the contagion aspect of mirror neuron parts is highly activated. In those situations, we might want to run for the hills instead of plopping down to feel with the being who's in distress. That’s real. To help with that…

4. Boundaries!!! They are our best friends! Empathy requires boundaries, and boundaries need work. Learning about boundaries will take me a Lifetime because I grew up in a bit of a, how shall I put it, Wild Wild West environment where all emotions were being felt and expressed ALL OF THE TIME! Learning about my boundaries has increased my ability to be Empathetic and decrease stressed states of feeling overwhelmed because of experiencing other humans' feelings.

Humans are naturally Empathetic creatures. The world we’ve co-created focused on the individual, on isolation, competition, and extraction and consumption makes it much harder to access and trust our ability to be present, witness, and offer Empathy to others.

Empathy is some of the best and most vital medicines we need on this fantastic journey of being alive. Wonderfully, Empathy is a quality we can nurture and grow. More Empathy, in my opinion, will lead to less callousness, judgment, and enacting of power over strategies. Empathy is one of the human superpowers that will support us in getting through this challenging stage of our development as a species. It will help us unite our brilliant heads to our compassionate hearts.

We need this.

We need Empathy.

We do this thing together.

We do this thing together.

Amazing music by: Scott Buckley – www.scottbuckley.com.au The song is called "Wanderlust." Thank you, Scott, for making such beautiful art that you share so freely!

Offering #17: Empathy To The Most Important Person

How many years, even decades of my Life, did I practice unconsciously (I’m looking at you, Hypervigilance and Earning Love!) the skills of Empathy towards others and not include myself?

Suffice it to say, many.

I’ve come a long way in understanding a bit about Empathy. And the growing awareness I have is that it needs to be robustly directed toward myself. From thinking I was a horrifying monster when I was young and treating myself critically, to currently being loving and present with myself however I feel. (Most of the time. There are still funky days!) It’s been a painfully powerful journey. A journey that I advocate for everyone with full knowledge that I’m recommending is a challenging process.

Drawbacks of Self Empathy Work:

1. Why would anyone willingly want to do this?

2. It stimulates feelings that can be incredibly hard to experience.

3. It's not glamourous in any way.

4. There's little support by a culture invested in all of us feeling negative about ourselves in constant states of comparison, competition, false dichotomies of not enough, and too much.

5. The journey never ends.

Not so sexy.

Yet, much of our liberation and ability to access energy and resources to devote to building a more just and loving world starts with the Empathy needed for our unique experiences of being human. We need Empathy because of the whole:

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,”

“Love thy neighbor as thyself,”

All the Golden rule tango is actually true.

We start with ourselves because we are what we got.

The most important person in our lives is ourselves. If we don’t include a hefty portion of Empathy to our intimate V.I.P., we will negatively impact the quality of what we have to offer the world in funky ways.

Honestly, lack of self Empathy is not a good look.

What is a good look, a fabulous look, a fucking fantastic look? Showering ourselves with Empathy. Giving to ourselves the way we offer Empathy to others. That’s sexy! That's nourishing, and that is being a beloved comrade to ourselves when Life gets rough.

Now hold up, all you beings who want to start throwing the fears of potential narcissism or self-indulgence around!

1. We are ALL narcissistic to a degree, and this is NOT a problem. Like most aspects of Life, it's about the degree. We need healthy egos to put ego-centeredness aside.

2. Don't conflate the fears of self Empathy with ridiculous notions of spare the rod spoil the child puritanical BULLSHIT! Being radically present with our feelings is not self-indulgent.

3. I’m tired of the emotional minimizing and bucking up approach to Life, where it’s a sporting event to prove we don't deserve self-Empathy!

• “Well, I don’t have it so bad.”

• “Other people have it worse.”

• “Don’t be so sensitive.”

• “I’m overreacting.”

• “I don’t do emotions.”

• I call Bullshit yet again!

Remember, the tool of “bucking up” (meaning differing our needs/emotions/care) is indeed sometimes needed and handy. Just like our ability to employ any other survival response is at times necessary. If the sabertooth tiger pig is barreling down on you, there is no time to have self Empathy! BUT…how often does a bonafide sabertooth tiger pig come chomping for your ass?!

And yes, our brains often can’t tell the difference between a:

R.eal

E.vidence

A.ppearing

R.eal situation.

and a:

F.alse

E.vidence

A.ppearing

R.eal situation!

(Oy, our hardware needs an update!)

I invite us to suck it up ONLY when we really, really, and I mean REALLY need to!

Instead, we need to offer ourselves Empathy, the feeling and abiding with that we give to other humans and creatures we love. We need to be self-Empathetic regularly to counter the toxicity that can permeate our relationship with ourselves.

It will take the rest of this Lifetime to counteract the amount of callousness I’ve basted myself in for the first 20ty plus years of my Life. The hate was big. This means Love, kindness, and Empathy need to be proportionately massive! The more I can enact self Empathy, the better quality of Empathy I can give to the world.

Practice:

1. View ourselves as beloved beings, especially when we don’t feel so great.

2. This self-Empathy will require patience, persistence, and a G.I.F.T.

G.enerously

I.nsightful

F.eeling

T.ruth

A G.I.F.T. is an act of remembering. It is evidence that we are worthy of Empathy. Being present and loving when we're distressed is a counter-narrative that speaks the truth of connection. We don't abandon ourselves. We climb down into the hole and abide with what we are feeling.

3. How would we show Empathy to someone we love who is struggling? Offer this G.I.F.T. to ourselves.

4. Do this verbally, physically, artistically, sensorially, in any way that resonates at the moment. Give the G.I.F.T. to ourselves that we most need to feel supported Empathetically.

Piggybacking on last week's theme:

Be Generous with engaging in self-Empathy. We are the most important beings in our lives. Nourishing this bond and commitment with Empathy helps increase our capacity to share our Empathy with the world, and wow, does our world need this medicine.

We do this thing together.

We do this thing together.

Offering #16: Empathy And Hypervigilance

There are a lot of fuzzy distinctions in Life.

I learned what an Empath was in the mid-1980s. An Empath is a person who can feel the emotions of other people. The word Empath comes from the 1956 science fiction novel by J.T. McIntosh, “The Empath,” By the 1980s, the term was being discussed widely in spiritual circles of a New Age bent. I heard it from a friend I made who worked at Crazy Wisdom bookstore in Ann Arbor.

The idea of being an Empath felt like a description of me! I was in my early twenties, feeling A LOT of feelings. I noticed I could discern what the people around me were feeling, and I was correct more often than not. This ability felt like a whacked-out superpower! Step aside, Counselor Troi!

Fast forward several decades and a tremendous amount of healing and therapy later.

The following list is what I currently understand about Empathy:

1. Almost everyone has the capacity for Empathy. (I guess I’m not so special!)

2. That Empathy varies hugely and doesn’t fit into a neat Bionic Woman lunch box. (I LOVE the Bionic Woman! And yes, I indeed had her lunchbox!)

3. That when a human is neurodivergent (many of us are in various ways.) Empathy will manifest differently. (BTW...there’s no one way to be Empathetic!)

4. That we can cultivate Empathetic Skills. (Yay!)

5. That Empathy can also be detrimental. (Boo!)

6. That boundaries are our friends! (Double Yay!)

7. And that for me, Empathy has roots in hypervigilance developed in my beautiful and challenging childhood. (Um…boo?! Yay?!)

I also know that Empathy can be smooshed together with survival/coping strategies from PTSD and trauma. They certainly are tangled up within me. This conflation can make for some powerful confusion.

(This week, I'm not going totally down the rabbit hole of Empathy research, nope. If you have resources about Empathy to share, I'll post them on Wednesday or Friday. There will also be a few links here and there. I’m trying to listen to a boundary telling me to explore Empathy but not get lost.)

Curiosities about Empathy to be wrangled with:

• How are Empathy and hypervigilance similar and different?

• How does trauma impact Empathy?

• How is the lack of Empathy foundational to oppression and power over dynamics

• How can we cultivate Empathy and mitigate the experience of compassion fatigue?

• What are ways to develop our Empathetic skill sets?

That is quite enough, I think! Honestly, it's too much, and I'm diving in!

1. Some weeks I’m thrilled about the experiments, creativity, and explorations that will unfold!

2. Some weeks a theme knocks on the door of my consciousness, and I decide not to open it yet.

3. Some weeks a theme barges in and says, “We’re doing this thing!”

4. Some weeks I know that the theme is the medicine I need, and I have faith in this process.

This week is a number 4 kind of week.

*

Since Friday, I’ve been in a Crohn’s flare. Flaring makes me feel very tender and sensitive. It also increases my Empathy for the suffering in our beloved world. I think this is a paradox of feeling so alone in my pain and feeling deeply connected to the multitude of other creatures experiencing discomfort.

All I know is that I choose to understand more about Empathy because it is a state of being that connects me to and with Life. When I become emotionally calloused and insensitive, I recognize that my Empathy is off and needs tending. At the same time, I choose to have solid (yet flexible) boundaries with myself and others. Boundaries will support me from feeling too overwhelmed by the suffering ever-present. It's a version of The Middle Way, the exquisite Goldilocks of Connection: Not too much, not too little, just right.

Dear Wonders, may we find our "just right" of Empathy a bit more this week.

We do this thing together.

We do this thing together.

Offering # 15: Feeding The Spark

What’s stirring deep inside us and asking to be noticed.

Now that Imbolc has come, how will we tend to the possibilities rustling within?

No pressure.

Lots of Love.

We do this thing together.

We do this thing together.

Offering # 14: The Risk Of Ignoring Our Holy Stirrings

Maybe the stirrings of inspiration we experience are not located within our souls but in our hearts? Or in our minds, body, spirit, connections, communities?

What happens when we ignore that whisper?

Let’s start with the reality about time:

• Becoming aware of the possibilities whispering inside of us takes time.

• Creating the space to regard that stirring takes time.

• Naming the rustling takes time.

• Deciding if or what action is needed takes time.

• Fanning the embers of what we then choose to give attention to takes time.

• Manifesting all that goodness takes time!

Loves, it all takes time!

Honoring what calls to us will unfold at its own pace.

I always have to remind myself that being enamored with lightning is valuing the flash/the tipping point. That is fabulous and all, but the bigger reality is the many conditions that slowly came together to produce that brilliant, sometimes dangerous, bedazzlement.

That shit takes TIME!

(Yes, at some point, I’m going to do a week on Time. AND my friend and fellow Patreon Creator, Cathy McManamon just released a song about Time that has motivated me even more! Check her Patreon Page out! https://www.patreon.com/CathyMcManamon)

Creativity/Change begins with the stir, the nudge, the faint rumble of…something?

There’s also the reality that a rustling inside means that I may be hungry for food! Keeping it real, folks!

Or sleep

Or space

Or comfort

Or connection

Or my own sweet self

These experiences are also holy.

We can get curious about the trembling inside that's asking for our attention.

*

I woke up this morning with a flurry of emotions.

I keep feeling vulnerable after publishing my work (this work) into the world and then getting a minimal response. Yes, it's about letting go of expectations, and this experience is brushing up against some of my Core Wounds.

I began to cry…before the first coffee!

Come on! Before the first coffee!!! Rude!

Before I even brushed my teeth or put on clothes.

Fuck, Core Wounds are painful! Even after years of healing and volumes of cognitive puzzling around them, they still knock me for a loop when they surface.

Just because I have the skills to tend to and move with those young Parts and hold them as they wail does not mean that the discomfort is easy.

(Also, praise the skills created with the Spiral of healing! With the magical work that we do together with EVERYTHING!)

As the waves of sadness and grief crashed over me, I became aware of another piece: Not being chosen = being ignored.

I know this is not a rocket science realization. But for me, it is a new frame. Another lens to understand and integrate some of my childhood trauma.

• Ignoring is linked to attention

• Attention is an aspect of mattering

• Mattering has an umbilicus directly to an existential threat

Ignoring is a big-ass deal! And it is so very, painfully common in this culture. It stems from uncommunicated needs, lack of boundaries, control issues, an extractive system that wears us out, and a belief that we're not connected, that we're isolated and alone. (Maybe I need to do a week on ignoring?)

I understand why humans have a hard time following the stirrings deep inside when there's a real possibility that what comes forth will be ignored or denigrated by others. Let alone the rampant fears of failure that profit others and not ourselves! Why risk this suffering when we don’t have to?

*

I did ignore the rustlings inside of me for a long time.

For over ten years, when I worked at Inspiration Corporation, I had many participants tell me to write a book, become a motivational speaker, have a TV show, a TED talk, get my work out into the world in some way.

It’s an awkward moment when humans tell you this kind of thing. It feels both ego-boosting and weird AF! I would laugh, smile, say thank you, redirect them to themselves and basically IGNORE what was stirring in my bones. I didn’t want to deal with all the insecurities, fears of failure and success, hard work, and the impact of listening to what my cells were saying to me. I was exhausted. I was trying to deal with my Life, health, work, relationships, healing, and vicarious trauma.

"Be willing to serve and be willing to be seen, Uncle Bear.

Step into some version of a spotlight and speak your truth, share your wisdom in all its Queer/Trans/Gendertastic/Goofy-Ass/Weirdo Glory!"

After hearing this calling, I would sometimes wonder, “Who am I to think that what I have to share has value? I'm not a neuroscientist!”

As my beloved Danny would say, ”You’re Uncle Fucking Bear!”

I am.

I am Uncle Fucking Bear!

And I have my own unique medicine to share that kept me alive and vibrant even through some horrible suffering this Lifetime.

That’s what was stirring inside of me for YEARS, and I ignored it.

What happens when we ignore our holy stirrings?

When the frequent ignoring we experience from others and our culture is turned inward upon ourselves?

We shrink

We constrict

We calcify

We deny

We distract

We numb

We wither

We go into denial because we are too scared of what we might lose (or gain) if we dared to follow those whispers.

We're frightened that we will change if we fan the embers of our creative possibilities.

But…we will change no matter what. Change is one of the ways we human in this beloved world! It’s not a matter of if we will change, it’s how we will change.

That “how” is what we can work with, at least a little.

It starts with the acknowledgment of the holy stirring:

• Get quiet

• Notice any feeling stirring within

• Notice how it may connect to what’s also moving without, in our external lives

• Name this feeling, this thought, idea, inspiration. (Naming is powerful. But hold the name lightly with an open paw. It may change.)

• Let the spark slowly emerge into:

Our inner lives

Our outer lives

Our world

The pace is (mostly) up to you.

I invite us to give, to gift some attention to what is calling to us. To listen to the voice that begins in the silence of our authentic selves. Give attention to our holy stirrings.

We do this thing together.

We do this thing together.

Offering # 13: Quickening: Feeling The Stirring Within

The process of learning to trust myself, my knowing, my body, has been fucking hard, requiring a Lifetime of focus. The various flavors of trauma I’ve experienced fractured me. What an enormous, lonely challenge: to bridge the massive gulfs between who I am and who I’ve been told to be.

That’s part of what trauma does; it isolates aspects of who we are from the community of the self internally and the community of Life externally.

We suffer from:

• Insecurity

• Fear

• Despair

• Lack of confidence

• Narcissism

• Lack in all its forms

• Anger

• Desperation

• Neediness

• Etc…

(Is it even possible to capture a fraction of what trauma does to us individually and collectively? No.)

We suffer from distrust.

How do we feel the stirrings of possibilities within us?

How do we hear the whispers of arousal that beckon us to unfurl from our Winter hibernations?

How is this even possible when many of us deeply mistrust our wisdom and knowing?

Right now, when I leave the house, all I see is snow, snow everywhere. My eyes do not believe in the possibility of Spring, growth, creation. The world appears barren.

But…this is not true.

Spring is coming.

Winter’s rest will continue for a while on this spot of the globe in the Upper Midwest Great Lakes Region. Wintering can be accessed anytime needed. It’s a season, a state of mind when resting, slowing down, and quiet is required. There’s no need to get caught up in any FOMO about Spring because you are lying Low-Low when the quickening of Imbolc begins to stir the earth.

Our Springs come when they're ready.

Tomorrow is Imbolc. The Celtic pagan and widely observed by many traditions, Holiday of the Quickening. Spring (in the Northern hemisphere) is beginning to rustle, under the snow or deep within the cold earth. Imbolc has been observed for a long time and is marked by:

• Lighting candles

• Bonfires

• Milk, especially of the lamby kind

• Cleansing

• Purification

• Pledging

• Initiation

• Honoring of the mighty Deity Brigid. (Aka St. Brigid, if you lean the Christian way.)

I’m hoping this week that one of the many Witches I know and adore who are devoted to Brigid will offer me some beauty to pass on to you. I identify as a Witch, but this is mainly a family of origin blessing that I continue in my Life. I honor all spiritual traditions and the wisdom they offer, and I think they all are full of shit. My primary devotion is to Life.

Practice: Becoming Curious About What’s Stirring?

(I suggest approaching this practice with lightness and love unless you're ready to dive in deep. It’s all good, dear ones. Challenge by choice.)

1. Set a timer for 5-10 mins or as long as desired.

2. Get quiet in a way that feels nourishing and safe-ish.

3. Reduce any distractions.

4. Chill, relax, breathe deeply and slowly.

5. It’s perfectly beautiful if movement is involved or stillness.

6. Once settled into a relaxed space/rhythm, ask yourself:

How do I feel within my heart/mind/soul/body?

What do I feel within my heart/mind/soul/body?

What do I want now?

What do I need now?

What’s stirring to be known?

7. After completion, drink a glass of water and jot down any impressions that surfaced. If nothing came up, cool. We can't predict when something begins to quicken within us.

Spring is on its way, although there’s plenty of Winter left for a polar bear cub like me! (Well, not enough! I’m a Winter Weirdo!) The earth is doing its shimmy, and in the Northern Hemisphere, Life is waking up from a long Winter’s nap. Maybe we are too? Wow, have the last two years felt like a horrible dream at times!

This energy of Imbolc can be like that moment right before you wake up, where you are swimming to the surface of the unconscious Ocean of Dreamland. That suspended time betwixt and between. Possibilities nudge you but don’t quite grab hold. If you’re lucky (or trained in doing Dream Work.) you can identify what's rustling and wanting to be brought into consciousness.

Trusting:

• What's beginning to emerge within us.

• Spring will come.

• Ourselves a little more.

May we be stirred, not shaken into possibilities.

Blessed Imbolc!

We do this thing together.

We do this thing together.

Offering # 12: Life Is Generous

Life is Generous.

I know it doesn’t seem that way at times. Reading the news leads us to believe that not only is Life not Generous, but it is a shitshow of scarcity.

Not enough:

• Jobs

• Housing

• Education

• Healthcare

• Money

• Opportunity

• Justice

• Time

• Kindness

• Love

We are led to believe that our collective problems as a species are too big and that our abilities to address them are wholly insufficient.

We are led to believe that Life is about Survival of the Fittest, and if we’re honest, most of us don’t quite fit.

Life is depicted as a struggle for Survival.

The fact of the matter is that while Life is ridiculously, tragically, horribly difficult sometimes, it’s also remarkably, abundantly, Generous.

That sun, you know, the one that rises every single solitary morning?

That sun Generously gives its energy to this beautiful earth and creates the conditions for Life.

From the moment we’re born to the day we die, Life offers itself to us.

• We need to change the narrative.

• We need to move from consumption to engagement.

• We need to shift our mindsets from scarcity to abundance.

• We need to recognize that Generosity is a fundamental part of our humanness, not something extra or tied exclusively to money or when we have “Enough.”

Most importantly, we need to understand that we are all connected to each other and with Life. Our reality is a family affair.

And remember, be Generous to yourself.

Liberation takes fuel, takes nourishment, and that begins with Generosity.

We do this thing together.

We do this thing together.

Offering # 11 Generosity Mind Map Meander

I love a mind map! For me, it is an excellent tool for visualizing and organizing my ideas. The mind mapping technique I use is simple but effective to help me discover connections and associations that allow me to delve deeper and expand broadly into a subject area.

The Generosity mind map I made feels especially rich. It reflects my creative path, my focus on my Core Values, and the joy I’m experiencing in this new way of learning to serve by creating content. I love how many of the words have already been weekly themes! The mind map helped make their connections even more evident. 

Generosity is an abundantly Generous topic! It’s chock full of the many values desperately needed as humanity keeps trying to mature into a species that cooperates more with Life and moves away from an adversarial and parasitic relationship. No doubt, we’re having a rough time of it. 

Our collective and necessary propensity for survival is getting in the way of our literal survival! We’re not going to get that much farther if we fail to shift to the intrinsic reality of our connection to each other and everything. This connection has roots in Generosity.

Many people and organizations are exploring how to harness the power of Generosity to help humanity grow. 

What If Generosity Was Taught By Those Who Have the Least?: Nipun Mehta at TEDxMasala

https://youtu.be/80KlmzU3sKA

As Nipun Mehta says in his TED talk, “We shift from transaction to trust, and we build a gift culture.”

The qualities/characteristics of Generosity, especially trust, can guide and support us moving toward a more consciously beneficial way to Live and thrive on this beloved planet.

My Ingredients of Generosity:

1. Trust

2. Abundance

3. Creativity

4. Expansiveness

5. Love in Action

6. Kindness

7. Listening

8. Devotion

9. Sacredness

10. Practice

I resonate with Generosity being a Sacred, Devotional Practice. A deep and intimate relational experience. Generosity can become a Lifestyle, not a one-off event that you enact a few times a year. How powerful it would be if we defaulted to Generosity in how we engaged with ourselves, others, and the world.

Directions of Generosity:

• Towards Self

• With Others

• To Something Bigger

What Do We Have To Give?

I wrote last week about the idea that Generosity goes beyond the physical and into the energetic and emotional aspects of our Lives. We have so much to offer the world and each other. Liberating our beliefs around the limits of Generosity reinforces the evident abundance each of us possesses internally, even if our external experience of Generosity is compromised.  

• Resources, the tangibles of Life: Food, water, shelter, heat, electricity, comforts, necessities - pots, utensils, furniture, clothes, etc…, transportation, energy, computers, books, natural gas, the list is long!

• Access: Education, health, safety, justice, wellness.

• Time - Quantity: seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years.

• Time - Quality: Experience of ease, expansiveness.

• Presence: Our focus, attention, feeling embodied and grounded, intimacy, co-regulation, witnessing.

• Emotional Support, our relational experience: Empathy, caring, reflection, feedback, truth-telling, encouragement, sympathy, problem-solving, understanding, positive challenge, inspiration, catalyzing.

Practice:

1. Make a mind map of Generosity.

2. This exercise can be as elaborate or simple as you like.

3. If mind mapping is new to you, refer to this guide to inspire:

How to Mind Map to Visualize Ideas (With Mind Map Examples)

https://www.lifehack.org/articles/work/how-to-mind-map-in-three-small-steps.html

By: Matt Tanguay

4. Notice how the words/concepts on the mind map relate to each other and Generosity.

5. How does this Generosity mind map reflect your Core Values?

6. Choose one word/concept associated with Generosity and use it as a focus to enhance the experience of Generosity.

May we open to the possibilities that Generosity offers us. 

We do this thing together.

We do this thing together.

Offering #10: Noticing Opportunities For Generosity

Generosity warrants AT LEAST another week of exploring, experimenting, and creating!

I’m now in Minneapolis, a city that knows how to Winter! This resilience is partly necessary, given the low temperatures (currently 6° degrees) and lots of snow. The substantial Winter appreciation also comes from the many humans living here who look at Winter as an opportunity for creativity, connection, and getting their cozy on.

There’s a lot of Winter cozy in Minnesota! Some of this is due to the concentration of Nordic culture throughout the state. You know, the Northern clime humans that brought us the desire to embrace Winter with the Danish hygge, Finnish kalsarikännit, or päntsdrunk (yup, getting drunk in your underwear!), Swedish mis, Norwegian koselig, and Icelandic notalegt.

Hygge's great, but what about Kalsarikannit - the Finnish word for staying at home alone and getting drunk in your underwear

By: Kelly Bertrand

https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/well-good/teach-me/122655968/hygges-great-but-what-about-kalsarikannit--the-finnish-word-for-staying-at-home-alone-and-getting-drunk-in-your-underwear

Just being in Minneapolis enhances my love for Winter!

It snowed again last night. This morning I was greeted by a sparkly, powdery layer over the previously shoveled sidewalks. Late morning, after two cups of coffee and creating a Mind Map about Generosity, I was ready to tend to the snow before the colder temperature of -10° tomorrow makes shoveling akin to chipping through ice.

Shoveling snow is enjoyable for me.

(I can hear the chorus of humans telling me to fuck off right now! Noted.)

I’m not going to lie; my back from yesterday's snow removal is tender.

But for a bear who is predominately of the Polar variety, snow is a sweet sigh for my spirit. (Also, I don’t own a car. Auto-related snow shenanigans are not my lot.)

It is with the snow that the beauty of Winter blooms.

The piles of snow are already high here in Minneapolis. As I made the pathways from the backyard to the front of the house, I finally reached the sidewalk. Ahead of me sat a car in the street, heavily mounded with snow. I thought, for a brief moment, it was Baci’s. I began removing the snow with my gloved paws. Then, across the street, I noticed Baci's actual car. Whose car was I cleaning?! I had a moment of hesitation before our Generosity theme swooped into my brain hole. I cleared the car of snow and felt the warmth of Generosity even while my body shivered with cold.

• Generosity is Life calling to itself.

• I heard the call.

• I noticed the opportunity for Generosity.

• I acted.

Practice

1. The first step is probably the hardest: remembering Generosity as a regular practice. This is one of the most challenging steps in Life, remembering to set the compass of our days in the direction we choose.

*

(Wonderful, inspiring sidebar: Today, the fabulous, magical creature/writer/teacher Phoenix LeFae wrote on IG about the struggle to remember daily practices when you’re wading through the muck, exactly when you need those practices so desperately.

I'm sharing the post here to gift you her wisdom: https://linktr.ee/phoenixlefae

"My anxiety has been off the charts for almost two months now. One of the things that happens when my anxiety spikes is my daily practice falls away. Which makes sense, but it’s like the worst thing.

I need my daily practice the most when my anxiety spikes. And yet….

So the past two weeks I’ve been giving myself permission to play with my daily practice. I’ve been writing and meditating and pulling cards and practicing playing my flute and just letting it be fun with no rules.

And most importantly, when I don’t do my daily practice, I don’t beat myself up or take it as a sign of failure or let myself get anxious about it.

This card is my card pull from this morning. The message “be what you want to see” is what this journey with anxiety has been about.

I’m learning to go with the flow and not attempt to control every moment (not so easy for me). I’m learning to just be."

*

2. Remember, we will forget to remember. We will fail to notice opportunities to enact Generosity. Totally cool. Don't fret or stress about it. We get to try again until we die.

3. Experiment with methods that gently bring Generosity to mind.

• Leave notes. For me, that means some BIG ASS notes that are hard to ignore! I leave them in spots I regularly encounter, like my favorite coffee mug before the java.

• Set sweet alarms unless you roll with wondrous cacophony!

• Use calendars. I guess this is the same as alarms-ish?

• Use Visual, audial, multi-sensorial representations of Generosity that draw your focus. Photos/songs/scents, etc...

• More, please? Any ideas/suggestions would be appreciated!

4. Go about your day noticing opportunities for Generosity.

5. DO NOT feel like you have to enact all of them!

6. The Generous opportunities that give you a spark of yum? Go there/do and be that.

7. Repeat.

*

I love that the person whose car I cleared will probably never know it was me, the best kind of on the DL!

There are grand gestures of Generosity, but I personally like the little ones. The tiny moments in Life where I can expand my awareness into the larger reality: my time and presence are the most precious gifts I have to give.

I know that time often seems so scarce. Maybe this is why we sometimes substitute money and things when enacting Generosity instead of offering time and presence? As a species, we're having difficulty resisting the urge to hoard resources we feel we sorely lack. We feel depleted of time and authentic presence. I know this lack feels real for many of us. But are these feelings of time and presence scarcity yet another clever trick of our survival needs going askew in a funky, consumer/extractive late-stage capitalism fandango? How are our experiences of time, presence, and Generosity warped by power over systems? Who profits from our resistance towards being Generous?

Be open today to the opportunities to be Generous that present themselves. Lean into a bigger truth that abundance is the default in Life while remembering to include ourselves in the mix. We also crave the beautiful Generosity of our own good magic and care.

We do this thing together.

We do this thing together.

Offering #8: Generosity Is Selfish, And That’s Ok

Generosity has an image problem; it’s tied too much to money.

Of course, sharing financial resources is a powerful way to practice Generosity, but I’ve realized that I’m oddly more Generous with my money now that I have a lot less. It’s the reverse of what I would have believed. When I was making $43,000 a year, I barely tithed. I consistently thought I didn’t have enough money. Now, I contribute more than 10% of my income to organizations and people I want to support. 

What changed?

My mindset.

In 2014 (When I leaped into a Life that was Nomadic and self-employed.), I was freaked out about money! I also realized that I needed to shift the way I was Generous. I wouldn't have the ability to pick up tabs as often or buy lots of presents, but I knew that I didn’t want to stop practicing Generosity. 

So, I didn’t stop. I leaned into the ways I could be Generous that have little to do with money and a lot to do with the authentic resources of our lives: time and being present.

• Listening

• Witnessing

• Supporting

• Encouraging

• Visioning

• Caring

• Coaching

• Other forms of emotional labor. (Emotional Labor is so vital and utterly not given its due because of misogyny!)

• Performing domestic chores

• Being redonk for the amusement of others! (And for myself!)

• Telling the hard truths

• Loving big

I’ve been offering these gifts and skills throughout my Life, both personally and professionally. But I didn’t recognize their true value until I didn't have as much money, and they became the primary ways I could be Generous. I could give Generously. Wow, do I love (hopefully with a substantial dose of healthy boundaries!) being Generous in these ways! 

Generosity feels heart filling to me! The kind of feeling that makes my chest expand and brings tears to my eyes. It releases oxytocin and is a super prosocial characteristic. Generosity tastes so delicious! It’s better than coffee! It’s better than butter! (Ok, I need to slow my roll because I’m talking some nonsense about ANYTHING being better than coffee and butter, but…you get what I'm saying. And those of you who don’t like coffee and butter, substitute something you REALLY love to put in your mouth hole! And yes, I know you can go the naughty route with this analogy, and I got to say...I'm all for it!) 

Over my Lifetime, I have cultivated a deep appreciation for the power of Generosity.

But, I have a confession. There’s an issue with my Generosity. A big part of why I practice Generosity is because it does feel so good and makes me feel good about myself. Turns out, Generosity can be a selfish and self-motivated characteristic. The Dali Lama seems down with this:

“If you would like to be selfish, you should do it in a very intelligent way. The stupid way to be selfish is seeking happiness for ourselves alone. The intelligent way to be selfish is to work for the welfare of others.”

– The Dalai Lama

Yes, some of why Generosity feels yummy for me is about the oxytocin, and some of it is purely about my ego. By being Generous, I prove that I have whatever form of Generosity I'm giving, and I get an ego boost from noticing my abundance. I must be pretty special! Maybe that’s partially being intelligently selfish, and maybe it’s that I have deep wounds around thinking I have to be and do for others to get my needs met? Am I being Generous?

Tricky!

Also, everything we do has a least a soupçon of self-interest in it:

Does altruism exist? Science and philosophy weigh in

We often praise selfless action, but is it even possible?

By: Scotty Hendricks

https://bigthink.com/surprising-science/does-altruism-exist-science-and-philosophy-weigh-in/

Being Generous means that others might think well of us. No matter how badass and independent we try to be, we DO want others to think well of us. Humans are social animals, folks! The best we can hope for is that our self-interests contribute to the well-being of others.

So be it! Bring on this type of Intelligent Selfishness!

I would LOVE a world full of Selfishly Intelligent people! A world brimming with Generosity motivated by whatever the fuck! Just bring on more Generosity, especially of the non-material variety. It’s horrifying that as a species, we still don’t have the basics of survival down when we could do so if we wanted. This shift requires a change of heart, an enriching of the spirit, and these changes come not from money but emotional and relational Generosity. 

Yeah, but the money is necessary too.

This point brings me back to why I now am more proportionately financially Generous than probably ever in my Life. 

My practice of Generosity ended up shifting my mindset around my Generosity with money. I’ve had 7.5 years to focus on being Generous of heart, mind, and spirit, which has changed (to some degree) the way I feel about scarcity and money. Yeah, so that happened.

Will this work for everyone? No. The whole idea of ANYTHING working for EVERYONE is the epitome of REDONK! And, I think there’s a decent chance that practicing emotional and relational Generosity will shift something for the better for many human beings. It's worth the effort to find out.

Generosity is a way to practice alchemy. A way to release feelings of scarcity and use the power of those fears for good. We have enough. We are enough. The act of Generosity proves this.

We do this thing together.

We do this thing together.

Offering #7: Generosity

Offering #7: Generosity

I want to create content around Sacred Reciprocity. 

Sacred Reciprocity is an idea, a way of being that I find compelling, yet truthfully, I don’t know much about it. The only book I’ve read that examines Sacred Reciprocity is by don Oscar Miro-Quesada: “Courage: Peruvian Shamanic Wisdom for Everyday Life.” The bulk of what I understand is from observing how Sacred Reciprocity has functioned in my Life like a Spiral; I keep winding my way back to it. 

• I ask humans about their experience of Sacred Reciprocity and what it means to them.

• I notice when I feel in the flow of Sacred Reciprocity and especially when I don’t.

• I remember how Sacred Reciprocity has shown up in my communities and how it (heartbreakingly) has not.

• I think Sacred Reciprocity is a version of Reciprocal Altruism, which some evolutionary biologist suggests is one of the reasons humanity has survived so far.

I continue to explore what Sacred Reciprocity means to me and how it could be something we collectively move towards as the current structures of power over continue to negatively impact this planet, the Life on it, and our humanity. What are the components of Sacred Reciprocity? How do we engage in Generous ways of connection to ourselves, each other, and something bigger? 

Generosity is one vital ingredient of Sacred Reciprocity. 

What is Generosity and Why Should We Give AF?

It’s Monday. I’m trying to resist doing a deep dive of researching what Generosity means. Thinking about and writing down my initial thoughts is a necessary part of how I’m structuring the work in Year Two.

• Monday: My current thoughts/ideas/curiosities. Practices to stimulate experimentation, reflection, exploration.

• Wednesday: Input from research. What am I learning, understanding? What’s perplexing me.

• Friday: A creative offering (probably a wee UBR film?) that is a synthesis, experiment, jumping-off point of further exploration.

I confess I did go to Etymology Online to understand the origins of the word Generosity. I think that’s fair, BUT I did begin to go down the rabbit hole and give myself a good scruffing to stop. Hey, following curiosity is like honey for me! A bear will wreck a structure to get at some honey, him will! 

What I’ll share is the root word for Generosity:

Gene: genə-, also *gen-, Proto-Indo-European root meaning "give birth, beget," with derivatives referring to procreation and familial and tribal groups.

https://www.etymonline.com/word/*gene-#etymonline_v_52600

Gene is a loaded root word if you ask me!

My riff is also gene is to create, bring forth.

Even before looking up the etymology of Generosity, I suspected it was related to our relationships with abundance, creativity, Life. Generosity rests at the heart of creation and is a powerful demonstration of radical trust. The type of trust that says, "I can offer because I have and have in abundance! I trust there is or will be more." 

Or maybe Generosity is the understanding that we're cool with not having what we give away? Generosity as a practice of non-attachment?

I want to take a moment to point out that Generosity is a multidimensional experience. Yes, it’s about physical things, resources, the stuff of Life. 

AND...

Generosity is even more about the emotional, energetic, intellectual, creative, relational, connective stuff of Life. 

AND MORE! 

Generosity reflects the abundance that Life offers us and is a partial antidote to the fears of scarcity, although clearly not a cure. The cultivation and practice of Generosity can't fix our scarcity fears. Those anxieties are woven deeply into our relationship to survival and safety needs. AND…I believe Generosity can do some heavy AF lifting towards creating a better experience in Life, of Life, with Life.

Practice:

1. Create a list of the resources/gifts/skills/talents currently in a state of surplus in our lives.

• Physical things/objects of value in some way/stuff

• Experiences

• Connections/networks of people/communities

• Emotional supports

• Time

• Acts of service

• Spiritual Guidance

• Acts of care

• Energetic and physical healing gifts/massage/reiki/yoga etc…

• Intellectual supports (All the ways we are intelligent, not just brain hole stuff!)

• Visioning

• Creativity/all the crafts/arts/hobbies

• Hearth tending/cooking/cleaning/nesting

• Entertainment

• Coaching

• Relational/Intimate Crafts

• Feedback/problem-solving/input: done by request and with a lot of Love.

• Encouragement

• Paying Attention (IMO one of the most valuable and least valued ways to be Generous)

There are so many ways to be Generous!

2. The emphasis of this practice is on Generosity from a surplus. It's the whole put on our oxygen masks first thing. It's also about knowing and respecting our boundaries.

3. Choose three ways to be Generous that feel good for you, not like a burden or obligation.

4. You don't have to do anything else if you don't want to. You don't have to enact your Generosity. Just notice that you have a surplus, an abundance.

I need to state that it’s perfectly cool to have a lot of feelings about Generosity. 

Feelings of:

Scarcity

Selfishness

Lack

Exhaustion

Lethargy

Resentment

Obligation

Pressure

Stress

Perfectionism

Etc…

Feelings about wanting to be the recipient of Generosity and not the giver.

All those feelings are challenging to feel.

Our culture sucks about encouraging the acknowledgment of our needs. To be needy is regarded by far too many of us as one of the worst things we can be. There’s a lot of shame regarding having needs in a country that prides itself on being composed of rugged individuals who are self-made. 

That’s a bunch of horse pucky! 

And, speaking from my own experience with understanding and, for Gods sake, naming my needs, this can be painful work. 

It’s hard to be Generous when we feel so needy.

It’s hard to be Generous when we feel unsafe.

It’s hard to be Generous when we feel such lack.

Here’s the thing…if you're able to enact Generosity, do it. Be Generous in some way that feels nourishing, not depleting. (With excellent boundaries, BTW! Boundaries need their own week, and they are not my strongest suit! I am learning.)

Generosity is a practice. When we engage with Generosity consistently, it may become a Lifestyle. 

Generosity has the potential to Liberate us from so many lies that keep our imaginations small and our courage tamped down. It is a powerful source of strength that supports us in trusting Life. Our abundant gifts to the world are necessary. Humanity requires our individual and collective Generosity to tell a new story that will guide us into a future co-created by something much more potent and nourishing than survival. 

I'm excited to dive into Generosity, dear Patrons!

We do this thing together.

We do this thing together.